Our Break Room

This article written by John T. McCutcheon was posted in the Chicago Tribune on September 30, 1907.

Yep, sonny this is sure enough Injun summer. Don’t know what that is, I reckon, do you? Well, that’s when all the homesick Injuns come back to play; You know, a long time ago, long afore yer granddaddy was born even, there used to be heaps of Injuns around here—thousands—millions, I reckon, far as that’s concerned. Reg’lar sure ‘nough Injuns—none o’ yer cigar store Injuns, not much. They wuz all around here—right here where you’re standin’.

Don’t be skeered—hain’t none around here now, leastways no live ones. They been gone this many a year.

They all went away and died, so they ain’t no more left.

But every year, ‘long about now, they all come back, leastways their sperrits do. They’re here now. You can see ’em off across the fields. Look real hard. See that kind o’ hazy misty look out yonder? Well, them’s Injuns—Injun sperrits marchin’ along an’ dancin’ in the sunlight. That’s what makes that kind o’ haze that’s everywhere—it’s jest the sperrits of the Injuns all come back. They’re all around us now.

See off yonder; see them tepees? They kind o’ look like corn shocks from here, but them’s Injun tents, sure as you’re a foot high. See ’em now? Sure, I knowed you could. Smell that smoky sort o’ smell in the air? That’s the campfires a-burnin’ and their pipes a-goin’.

Lots o’ people say it’s just leaves burnin’, but it ain’t. It’s the campfires, an’ th’ Injuns are hoppin’ ’round ’em t’beat the old Harry.

You jest come out here tonight when the moon is hangin’ over the hill off yonder an’ the harvest fields is all swimmin’ in the moonlight, an’ you can see the Injuns and the tepees jest as plain as kin be. You can, eh? I knowed you would after a little while.

Jever notice how the leaves turn red ’bout this time o’ year? That’s jest another sign o’ redskins. That’s when an old Injun sperrit gits tired dancin’ an’ goes up an’ squats on a leaf t’rest. Why I kin hear ’em rustlin’ an’ whisper in’ an’ creepin’ ’round among the leaves all the time; an’ ever’ once’n a while a leaf gives way under some fat old Injun ghost and comes floatin’ down to the ground. See—here’s one now. See how red it is? That’s the war paint rubbed off’n an Injun ghost, sure’s you’re born.

Purty soon all the Injuns’ll go marchin’ away agin, back to the happy huntin’ ground, but next year you’ll see ’em troopin’ back—th’ sky jest hazy with ’em and their campfires smolderin’ away jest like they are now.

Injun Summer by John T. McCutcheon.

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift…
The next year, I didn’t buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
“Well, you still haven’t used the gift I bought you last year!”
And that’s how the fight started…..
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My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, ‘Do you want to have Sex?’
‘No,’ she answered.
I then said ‘Is that your final answer?’
She didn’t even look at me this time, simply saying, ‘Yes..’
So I said, “Then I’d like to phone a friend.”
And that’s when the fight started…
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I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
“I’ll have the rump steak, rare, please.”
He said, “Aren’t you worried about the mad cow?”
“Nah, she can order for herself.”
And that’s when the fight started…..
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My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school  reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his
drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, “Do you know him?”
“Yes”, she sighed,
“He’s my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking, right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he
hasn’t been sober since.”
“My God!” I said, “Who would think a person could go on  celebrating that long?”
And then the fight started…

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When our lawn mower broke and wouldn’t run, my wife kept hinting  to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had  something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat,  making beer.. Always something more important to me. Finally she   thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall  grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing  scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into  the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, “When you finish cutting the  grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.”

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
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My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, “What’s on TV?”
I said, “Dust.”
And then the fight started..
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Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my   lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the
boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential  downpour. The wind was blowing 50mph, so I pulled back into the  garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather  would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back  into bed. I cuddled up to my wife’s back; now with a different  anticipation, and whispered, “The weather out there is  terrible.”
My loving wife of 5 years replied, “And, can you believe my  stupid husband is out fishing in that?”
And that’s how the fight started…
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My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming  anniversary.
She said, “I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in  about 3 seconds.”
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started…..
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After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply  for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver’s License to  verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at  home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have
to go home and come back later
The woman said, ‘Unbutton your shirt’.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, ‘That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for  me’ and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at  the Social Security office. She said, ‘You should have dropped  your pants. You might have gotten disability too.’

And then the fight started…
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My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
“I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you  to pay me a compliment.’
I replied, “Your eyesight’s darn near perfect.”
And then the fight started……..
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I rear-ended a car this morning…the start of a REALLY bad day!
The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!
He looked up at me and said ‘I am NOT Happy!’
So I said, ‘Well, which one ARE you then?’
And then the fight started…..

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