Found on: Us Girls, Our Views

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift…
The next year, I didn’t buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
“Well, you still haven’t used the gift I bought you last year!”
And that’s how the fight started…..
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My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, ‘Do you want to have Sex?’
‘No,’ she answered.
I then said ‘Is that your final answer?’
She didn’t even look at me this time, simply saying, ‘Yes..’
So I said, “Then I’d like to phone a friend.”
And that’s when the fight started…
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I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
“I’ll have the rump steak, rare, please.”
He said, “Aren’t you worried about the mad cow?”
“Nah, she can order for herself.”
And that’s when the fight started…..
_______________________________

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school  reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his
drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, “Do you know him?”
“Yes”, she sighed,
“He’s my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking, right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he
hasn’t been sober since.”
“My God!” I said, “Who would think a person could go on  celebrating that long?”
And then the fight started…

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When our lawn mower broke and wouldn’t run, my wife kept hinting  to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had  something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat,  making beer.. Always something more important to me. Finally she   thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall  grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing  scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into  the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, “When you finish cutting the  grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.”

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
______________________________

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, “What’s on TV?”
I said, “Dust.”
And then the fight started..
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Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my   lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the
boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential  downpour. The wind was blowing 50mph, so I pulled back into the  garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather  would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back  into bed. I cuddled up to my wife’s back; now with a different  anticipation, and whispered, “The weather out there is  terrible.”
My loving wife of 5 years replied, “And, can you believe my  stupid husband is out fishing in that?”
And that’s how the fight started…
_______________________________

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming  anniversary.
She said, “I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in  about 3 seconds.”
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started…..
_____________________________
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply  for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver’s License to  verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at  home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have
to go home and come back later
The woman said, ‘Unbutton your shirt’.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, ‘That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for  me’ and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at  the Social Security office. She said, ‘You should have dropped  your pants. You might have gotten disability too.’

And then the fight started…
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My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
“I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you  to pay me a compliment.’
I replied, “Your eyesight’s darn near perfect.”
And then the fight started……..
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I rear-ended a car this morning…the start of a REALLY bad day!
The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!
He looked up at me and said ‘I am NOT Happy!’
So I said, ‘Well, which one ARE you then?’
And then the fight started…..

Author unknown

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.

Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put  into a container of alcohol.

The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.

The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.

The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:

The first worm in alcohol…Dead.

The second worm in cigarette smoke…Dead.

Third worm in chocolate syrup…Dead.

Fourth worm in good clean soil… Alive.

So the Minister asked the congregation, What did you learn from this demonstration?

Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said,

‘As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won’t have worms!’

That pretty much ended the service!

A man was dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there was a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table.  He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her.  Suddenly she sneezed, and her glass eye came flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reached out, grabbed it out of the air, and handed it back.  ‘Oh my, I am so sorry the woman said, as she popped her eye back in place. ‘Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you.’  They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they went to the theatre followed by drinks.  They talked, they laughed, she shared her deepest dreams and he shared his. She listened to him with interest.  After paying for everything, she asked him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooked a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy was amazed. Everything had been so incredible!  ‘You know,’ he said, ‘you are the perfect woman.   Are you this nice to every guy you meet?

‘No,’ she replies.

Wait for it .

It’s coming .

The suspense is killing you, isn’t it?

She said.

‘You just happened to catch my eye.’

A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit, and would always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m.

One afternoon, as the end of the work day approached, the bartender was dismayed to find that he was out of hazelnut extract. Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar.

The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, “This isn’t a hazelnut daiquiri.”

“No, I’m sorry,” replied the bartender, “it’s a hickory daiquiri doc.”

Since Seniors are texting and tweeting, there appears to be a need for a STC (Senior Texting Code).

ATD: At The Doctor’s
BFF: Best Friend Fainted
BTW: Bring The Wheelchair
BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth
CBM: Covered By Medicare
CUATSC: See You At The Senior Center
DWI: Driving While Incontinent
FWB: Friend With Beta Blockers
FWIW: Forgot Where I Was
FYI: Found Your Insulin
GGPBL: Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low!
GHA: Got Heartburn Again
HGBM: Had Good Bowel Movement
IMHO: Is My Hearing-Aid On?
LMDO: Laughing My Dentures Out
LOL: Living On Lipitor
LWO: Lawrence Welk On
OMMR: On My Massage Recliner
OMSG: Oh My! Sorry, Gas.
ROFL… CGU: Rolling On The Floor Laughing… And Can’t Get Up
SGGP: Sorry, Gotta Go Potty
TTYL: Talk To You Later
WAITT: Who Am I Talking To?
WTFA: Wet The Furniture Again
WTP: Where’s The Prunes?

I’ll have a different perspective next time I send a text!

Some of Ed’s favorite one-liners.

A toothless termite walked into a tavern and said, “is the bar tender her?”

A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything.”

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”

Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married.  The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.

Two cannibals are eating a clown.  One says to the other, “does this taste funny to you?”

An invisible man marries an invisible woman. Their kids were nothing to look at either.

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn’t find any.

A dwarf, who was a mystic, escaped from jail.  The call went out that there was a small medium at large.

He couldn’t quite remember how to throw a boomerang, but eventually it came back to him.

He wondered why the boomerang kept getting bigger.  Then it hit him.

He said she was average because he was mean.

Pencils could be made with erasers on both ends, but that would be pointless.

LOL

First Football Game

A guy took his girlfriend to her first football game. Afterward he asked her how she like the game.
‘I liked it, but I couldn’t understand why they were killing each other for 25 cents,’ she said.
‘What do you mean?’ he asked.
‘Well, everyone kept yelling, ‘Get the quarter back!’

Football Wedding

Two guys are talking about their boss’s upcoming wedding.
One says, “It’s ridiculous, he’s rich, but he’s 93 years old, and she’s just 26! What kind of a wedding is that?”
The other says, “Well, we have a name for it in my family.”
“What do you call it?”
“We call it a football wedding.”
The first asks, “What’s a football wedding?”
The other says, “She’s waiting for him to kick off!”

Empty Seat

A Denver Broncos fan was enjoying himself at the game in a packed Mile High Stadium, until he noticed an empty seat down in front. He went down and asked the guy next to it if he knew whose seat it was.
The guy said, “Yes, that’s my wife’s seat. We have never missed a game since the Craig Morton days, but now my wife is dead.”
The fan offered his sympathy and said it was really too bad that he couldn’t find some relative to give the ticket to and enjoy the game together.
“Oh no.” the guy said. “They’re all at the funeral.”

Animal Super Bowl

During the Super Bowl, there was another football game of note between the big animals and the little animals. The big animals were crushing little animals and at half-time, the coach made a passionate speech to rally the little animals.
At the start of the second half the big animals had the ball. The first play, the elephant got stopped for no gain. The second play, the rhino was stopped for no gain. On third down, the hippo was thrown for a 5 yard loss.
The defense huddled around the coach and he asked excitedly, “Who stopped the elephant?”
“I did,” said the centipede.
“Who stopped the rhino?”
“Uh, that was me too,” said the centipede.
“And how about the hippo? Who hit him for a 5 yard loss?”
“Well, that was me as well,” said the centipede.
“So where were you during the first half?” demanded the coach.
“Well,” said the centipede, “I was having my ankles taped.”

These are true statements: IT’S Scary out there!

1. We had to have the garage door repaired.  The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a ‘large’ enough motor on the opener.  I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.  He shook his head and said, “Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.”  I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4.  He said, “NO, it’s not. Four is larger than two…”

We haven’t used Sears repair since.
Homer Glen, IL

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2. My daughter and I went through the McDonald’s take-out window and  I gave the clerk a $5 bill.  Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter.  She said, “You gave me too much money.”  I said, “Yes I  know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back.”  She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request.  I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said “We’re sorry but we cannot do that kind of thing.” The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change.

Bedford, PA

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3.  I live in a semi-rural area.  We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road.  The reason: “Too many deer are being hit by cars out here!  I don’t think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.”

From  Kingman ,  KS .

~~

4. My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco.  She asked the person behind the counter for ‘minimal lettuce.’  He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.

From  Daytona Beach, FL

~~

5. I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, “Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?”  To which I replied, “If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?”  He smiled knowingly and nodded, “That’s why we ask.”

Happened in Birmingham,  Ala.

~~

6. The stop-light on the corner buzzes when it’s safe to cross the street.   I was crossing with an intellectually challenged co-worker of mine.  She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for.  I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.  Appalled, she responded, “What on earth are blind people doing driving?

She was a probation officer in  Wichita ,  KS.

~~

7. I attended a “good-bye” luncheon for an old and dear co-worker.  She was leaving the company due to ‘downsizing.’ Our manager commented cheerfully, “This is fun.  We should do this more often.”  Not another word was spoken.  We all just looked at each other with that “deer-in-the-headlights” stare.

This was a lunch at Texas Instruments.

Dallas, TX

~~

8. I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the sake of her life, couldn’t understand why her system would not turn on.

A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriff’s office, no less.
~~

9. When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver side door.  As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.  “Hey,” I announced to the technician, “It’s open!”  His reply, “I know.   I already got that side.”

This was at the Ford dealership in  Canton ,  MS.

~~

I love this one!:

10. When I left Hawaii and was transferred to FL, I still had the Hawaiian plates on my car, as my car was shipped from Hawaii . I was parking somewhere (I can’t remember) and a guy asked me “Wow, you drove from  Hawaii  to here?” I looked at him and quickly said “Yep. I took the Hawaii/San Francisco Bridge.” He nodded his head and said “Cool!”

STAY ALERT!

They walk among us… and they VOTE… and they REPRODUCE…!!

With the recent controversy over more intrusive airport screenings by the Transportation Security Administration (a wholly owned subsidiary of the U.S. Department of Homeland Security), the TSA wants to adopt a new slogan so that it’s more “in touch with Americans,” a TSA spokesman said. “A warm, touchy feely concept to make our subjects — uh, citizens — more comfortable.”

Suggestions have been coming in daily from all across the country. Some of the best
* TSA: We Rub You the Wrong Way So You Can Be On Your Way

* TSA: We Are Now Free to Move About Your Pants

* TSA: Don’t Worry! My hands are Still Warm From the Last Guy.

* TSA: It’s Not “Groping” – It’s “Freedom Patdowns”.

* TSA: We Handle More Packages Than the Postal Service!

* TSA: If We Did Our Job Any Better, We’d Have to Buy You Dinner First.

* TSA: Want to Fly? Then Drop Your Fly.

* TSA: Only We Know if Lady Gaga is Really a Lady!

* TSA: Grope Discounts Available

* TSA: When We’re in Doubt You’ll Whip it Out

and…

* TSA: You Can’t See London You Can’t See France Unless We See Your Underpants

Taken from:

http://y2u.co.uk/Jokes_Funny/greatest-short-joke-in-the-world.html