What is the favorite health insurance for Goblins, Ghosts and Monsters?
Medi-Scare
Why do demons and ghouls hang out together?
Because demons are a ghouls best friend!
What’s it like to be kissed by a vampire?
It’s a pain in the neck.
What can’t you give the headless horseman?
A headache.
Where do baby ghosts go during the day?
Dayscare centers
An annoyingly self-righteous man went to the doctor for a check-up. He said, “I feel terrible. Please examine
me and tell me what’s wrong with me.”
“Let’s begin with a few questions,” said the doctor, “Do you drink much?”
“Alcohol?” said the man. “I’m a teatotaller. Never touch a drop.”
“How about smoking?” asked the doctor.
“Never,” replied the man. “Tobacco is bad and I have strong principles against it.”
“Well, uh,” asked the doctor, “do you have much sex life?”
“Oh, no,” said the man. “Sex is sin. I’m in bed by 10:30 every night . . . always have been.”
The doctor paused, looked at the man hard, and asked, “Well, do you have pains in your head?”
“Yes,” said the man. “I have terrible pains in my head.”
“OK,” said the doctor. “That’s your trouble. Your halo is on too tight.”
(turn up your speakers)
Take the Job Security Quiz
This pic and many more are featured in the new “Awkward Family Photos” book out in stores today… just in time to make Mom’s big day a little more awkward.
Check them out now – 12 Weirdest Mothers Day “Awkward Family Photos”
The doctor said, ‘Joe, the good news is I can cure your blinding headaches. The bad news is that it will require 
castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.’
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.
He saw a men’s clothing store and thought, ‘That’s what I need… A new suit.’ He entered the shop and told the salesman, ‘I’d like a new suit.’ The elderly tailor eye d him briefly and said, ‘Let’s see… size 44 long.’
Joe laughed, ‘That’s right, how did you know?’ ‘Been in the business 60 years!’ the tailor said. Joe tried on the suit it fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, ‘How about a new shirt?’ Joe thought for a moment and then said, ‘Sure.’ The salesman eyed Joe and said, ‘Let’s see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.’ Joe was surprised, ‘That’s right, how did you know?’ ‘Been in the business 60 years.’ Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.
Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, ‘How about some new underwear?’ Joe thought for a moment and said, ‘Sure.’ The salesman said, ‘Let’s see… size 36.
Joe laughed, ‘Ah ha! I got you! I’ve worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.’
The salesman shook his head, ‘You can’t wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.’
New suit – $400
New shirt – $36
New underwear – $6
Second Opinion – PRICELESS
Early last month the mayor of Topeka, Kansas stunned the world by announcing that his city was changing its name to Google. Google has been wondering ever since how best to honor that moving gesture. Today they are pleased to announce that as of 1AM (Central Daylight Time) April 1st, Google has officially changed their name to Topeka.
Read the full story here: Topeka
Daryl Stout
Why should you never iron a 4-leaf clover?
You don’t want to press your luck.
In a small town, there were only two chiropractors.
One day, a new patient walked into one of the chiropractors’ offices. She was horrified by the chiropractor’s personal appearance. Even though he was young, he was hunched over and walked in an odd shuffling manner.
“Doctor,” said the woman, “I have to ask — what’s wrong? Did you get in a car accident or something?”
“No,” said the chiropractor, “nothing like that.”
“Well what caused your physical condition then?”
The chiropractor sighed. “You know how they always say that in a small town with two barbers, you should go to the barber that has the worst haircut…?”
You may have done food drives or clothing drives in your office. Here is a humorous example how one office ran their clothing drive. Clothing Drive
Ed
You are currently browsing the archives for the Funny category.
